People often think of intimacy as sex itself or at least, as the soft, slow, sensual side of sex, and for some this is true, however; sex is only a part of intimacy. Intimacy is truly about Howe we show up in relationship. It calls on attention, altruism and authenticity, and what is true is that it can manifest just as easily in BDSM and Kink play as it is does in vanilla and tantric sex. There are a few types of intimacy: emotional, mental, spiritual, physical, and even experiential. And there are more, depending who you are asking.

In the realm of sex, for some, an emotional intimacy and connection is necessary to feel any sort of attraction or arousal. Being able to share feelings, feeling appreciated and understood, as well as expressing oneself — these all have the capacity to deepen not only sexual experiences but relationship.

Mental intimacy in a sexual capacity could also be described as sapiosexuality. A sapiosexual is someone who is turned on by or attracted to highly intelligent people. The feeling of being understood or knowing how your partner thinks are sexy qualities for many of us, integral to relationship, and can have an effect on the quality of sex you are having. Being able to converse with witty or flirtateous banter or speak knowledgeably about certain topics can lead to deeper physical and sexual connection and play.

Connection to spirit varies so heavily from person to person that it is often challenging to align completely with a partner around spiritual intimacy, however, having shared values, and morals, and even a deep respect for your partner’s own connection to spirt can help foster spiritual intimacy.

Physical intimacy is what we most often correlate with sex, however there are forms of physical intimacy that can be shared with platonic friends where penetrative sex does not take place. This can show up in the form of holding hands, cuddling, massage, hugging. In the realm of sex, physical intimacy can feel like pleasure in its truest form: connected, like your body belongs with this other body. Allowing your body to let go, relax, and release into another is a pretty magical feeling and can be challenging for many. 

Experiential intimacy calls on shared experiences between people that create closeness, shared memories, and connection. Experiences like travel, concerts, weddings, birthdays, family events, deaths, marriages all create deeper intimate bonds.

Intimacy does play a part for many in creating deeper, more connected, more meaningful sex, however it can also have the opposite affect, Intimacy can deepen sex and for some it can involve too much information about a person for there to be any interest or surprise. It’s a tricky one. As a sex and intimacy coach, what I find is that most people want a deep level of intimacy in combination with autonomy, and I think this is a healthy desire and way of being in relationship, and for most, it is a struggle to balance the two.

As an intimacy coach  in Los Angeles CA, I help clients explore all of these types of intimacy through a somatic lens, which means we practice sharing through body based exercises and experiences that involve breath, movement, sound, touch, and choice, and we process them through speech. Although I very much believe in and support traditional talk therapy and the work of sex therapists, many of my clients have done quite a bit of that work and they feel complete with speaking about their stories and issues and are looking for alternative ways to process and grow. If you feel my work could be right for you, book and exploratory call to find out more about working with me.